Joe's Pub at Joseph Papp's Public Theatre
Peter Dizozza August 27, 2006

1. YOUR DOCTOR IS IN, introducing Bruce Jay Friedman's "A Farewell to Tanya"
2. HAPP'LY WAIT, for a character in Patsy Grace's "The Wise Sophia"
3. WORK AND PLAY, Song 10 from The Golf Wars
4. SQUARE ONE, Song 2 from The Golf Wars
Scene One from The Golf Wars (Written with John Seroff)
TAKE ME LOVE in E (Excerpt)
6. GATED HOUSE AND GARDEN, Song 1 from The Golf Wars
7. DON'T LEAVE ME BEHIND (Prisoners of War), Song 3 from The Golf Wars
8. I HOPE THE DAY IS SOON - (Rich girl in gold Mercedes) Song 4 from The Golf Wars
9. CUL DE SAC Song 5 from The Golf Wars
10. LIVING IN FREEDOM (AGAIN) Song 6 from The Golf Wars.
11. NOW THAT YOU RUN FROM ME Song 7 from The Golf Wars
12. TAKE ME LOVE, (in Bb) Song 9 from The Golf Wars
13. FORESTS OF NEUROSES (Written with Steve Espinola) Song 8 from The Golf Wars
14. PEACEFUL REVELRY with Monica Dizozza
15. YOU HURT ME With Monica
16. WHILE YOU WERE OUT (from 2.2.  Not Played)
18. I LOVE THE LAW, Charlie, Victor
19. ELEVEN (Written for Bruce Jay Friedman's "Sardines") (Not Played)

Percussion: Charlie McKenna Acoustic Guitar: Victor Varoli Conga: Dale Gordon 
Additional Piano: Herb Scher Electric Guitar: Joe Bendik
Guest Vocals: Herb Scher, Tim Carosi, Nora Naomi Simpson, Monica Dizozza

Thank you, Kurt Wolf, Bill Bragin, Sara Hill, Shanta Thake, Josh Pickard, Serge Becker, Willie Tillman, Roxy Summers, Andrew Dainoff, Gregory Locklear & John Seroff of Joe's Pub.

Dizozza material available through Cinema VII,, Olive Juice Music, itunes. 
Copies of Pro-Choice on Mental Health available here and at Footlight Records. 
Look for "The Golf Wars" running every Sunday in the La Mama vicinity in November.

Publicity Photograph by Eric Lippe

Piecing together the band from pictures in the old digital Olympus.  



Joe's Pub at Joseph Papp's Public Theatre Peter Dizozza THE GOLF WARS


This is a safe place. Blossom whatever sprouts you wish, as you Happ'ly Wait for your next happy feeling.


And now, here's the finale song from The Golf Wars, an anthem to employer/employee bureaucracy. When all else fails, we can always fall back on self-motivation!

3. WORK AND PLAY, with Victor Varoli, Guitar, and Charlie McKenna, Percussion

Hello and welcome to my first concert at the legendary Joe's Pub, where, as a member of the audience, I have enjoyed many great events, inspiring the one I hope myself to provide for you here tonight. This gig marks the return of The Peter Dizozza band, with an entirely new line-up of uniquely wonderful musicians joining me.

Tonight's show features The Golf Wars, but we're in a first class venue so I include an apocryphal glimpse into the secret world of Peter Dizozza. Whatever else my life consists of, I love songs, and I love to sing. Music is an ongoing salvation. I write to add to what I hear and love. Contained within each selection tonight is a musical idea worth pursuing that is the reason for writing the song.

And tonight is step one in the revival of "The Golf Wars," the musical I wrote and produced for a World Peace Exhibit in 2002, with input from none other than John Seroff. Does anyone know this show? It began as a La MaMa Experiment, then had four performances at the Williamsburg Art and Historical Center, directed by Tom Nondorf, that's right, over 200 people then maybe another 50 saw it at The Lambs Club. So the likelihood is that this will be new to you.

Back then New Yorkers were picking through the rubble, rising to the challenge of rebuilding after an attack from the skies, the mastermind of said attack somehow remaining at large, while most of his army was taken to prisons such as Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Although what it's doing there I'll never know. As the US government engaged in unilateral retaliation, very much resembling a vendetta over unfinished business from a prior presidency, there was a question of what to call the captured enemies, since to say they were Prisoners of War triggered rights established by The Geneva Convention. Who am I, the prisoner would ask. An unwilling detainee? Unlawful combatant? Why the president of the United States himself said, yes, they are prisoners of war, in 2006! And public enemy number one, wanted dead or alive, is somehow still at large.

So, no, The Golf Wars is not half as dated, as it should be.

My formula in other musicals has been to create a morally reprehensible renegade and to focus on the compliant nice individuals in his periphery who inadvertently assist him before bringing an end to his maneuvers. In this musical, our heroes are none other than Pablo Baldo and Jerome Belsen, the Dueling Pianists,

"The Dueling Pianists" are a struggling New York City cabaret act. It's been a hard road to artistic respectability for our intrepid pair: fifteen long fruitless years of slumming in dark smoky bars for the scant returns of a passed tip jar and the occasional free drink from an enthusiastic groupie. But Time wounds all heels and this is no exception. The Dueling Pianists have just finished their first break-thru in the struggle for fame: filming on their independent movie "The Musical Box" is finished at last. While seeking backers for a mainstream release, Pablo and Jerome have widely disseminated the film onto the World Wide Web, where it is number four in the list of the most-downloaded films in Sweden, Pakistan and Burundi. We first meet the two in that seediest of dives, the Sidewalk Bar, located in the scenic East Village, singing their signature hit, Square One. Welcome to the stage The Dueling Pianists.

PETER and HERB PLAY AND SING SQUARE ONE: Charlie McKenna Percussion, Victor Varoli, Guitar

Ancient Times, Seem to follow me wherever I go. Hide My Crimes, And Enquiring minds are eager to know. Wash Me Clean, Call a closure, I'll begin a new scene When you set Your Prisoner Free.

Square one, where does my project begin? Square Two where does this new one fit in? With all the rest, I make the best, and I make it cause I need it! Square Three, how will I ever get past square four? Making a world that will last through all the wash and wearing: There it's holding... There it's tearing.... Make my world hold fast to last a lifetime...

Up at dawn, Take a swim and eat and go to a room, Work till dawn, on what you never thought you'd ever resume. Till it's done, and we're calling it the scene where I run As you Set Your Prisoner Free. Square one, where does the project begin? Square Two where does the new one fit in? With all the rest, I make the best, and I make it cause I need it! Square Three, how do we ever get past Square four? Making a world that will last through all the wash and wearing: There it's holding... There it's tearing.... Make my world hold fast to last a lifetime... and more! As we Set Our Prisoners Free!

HERB (In MC voice) Let's hear it one more time for the dueling pianists! (ALL ACTORS GIVE AN UNINSPIRED, DREARY AND DEMORALIZING "YAY.") ...And keep that applause going for our next act, Charles De Gaulle and his Amazing Friends!  -- Pablo and Jerome count the haul from the tip jar.

PABLO Jerome, we're poised for success! Kids are telling their parents about us.

JEROME Yet even so, we're still pulling in only fourteen bucks to split between us. A dollar a listener, fifty cents an ear. Here in the city of too many choices, it's easy to get lost in the shuffle. We need a larger audience.

PABLO At least fourteen chose us.

JEROME Out of 8 million? Here's your share. Seven dollars. Not even enough for carfare home. Look at us, malnourished, fighting off flu symptoms. This is no way for artists to live! The Dueling Pianists need a new venue.

PABLO What's this at the bottom of the tip jar?

JEROME It's an envelope.

PABLO What's inside?

JEROME Airplane Tickets? To Hawaii!

PABLO Home of the recuperating celebrity!

JEROME And a check for five thousand dollars!

PABLO Hatchi Machi!

JEROME There's also a note!

PABLO What does it say?

JEROME "Dear Dueling Penises"

PABLO A typo, no doubt.

JEROME "I am hiring you to perform at my son's wedding on an unspecified Hawaiian island. You will be paid exorbitant sums of money and granted the prestige you so richly deserve. Meet me at the eleventh hole of the golf course of the Kapalua Country Club at 4 A.M. on the morning of the 29th. All questions will be answered then. In the meantime, stay as my honored guests at the Honeymoon Suite of the Club's Hotel. Looking forward to meeting you in person, your esteemed employer, Mister Triple X!"

PABLO Mysterious!

JEROME And intriguing! What do you say partner? Should we take him up on his offer?

PABLO Abandon this terrorized city for the tropical pastures of an island paradise? What is there to consider? Pack up your knitted cap-

JEROME Your linen shirt, bow tie-

PABLO High socks, short trousers-

JEROME Duffer's Jacket, white Leather gloves-

BOTH And don't forget to smile, smile, smile!

[Peter plays "Take Me love" music underneath]

HERB And so our intrepid pair ships out that very night to the island of Kahoolawe, an abandoned Hawaiian flyspeck; a barren wasteland that was used by the American Armed Forces as a munitions testing site throughout the First World War. Rich Japanese investors have rehabilitated the island and turned it into a lush paradise, complete with Five Star Hotel and an eighteen-hole golf course. While they wait to meet with their mysterious benefactor, Pablo and Jerome polish their musical chops and fend off idle boredom by playing lounge lizard music for the tourists in the Hotel's lobby.

PABLO Hello young lovers!

JEROME Here's a romantic song for all of you, especially the honeymooners!


Take me love, right away; I'm a little bit uncertain. Take me home, where you stay; We'll be safe behind the curtain, When we turn on all the lights and gaze on our laboratory sights, And we'll take out all the garbage in the night.

And We'll list our cryptic findings in the night And plan for where we're going to go Your eyes turn on my inner light We'll be singing for our future till it's here. For you know, I love you so. And with you I want to go... As we mark our trail through writings on the wall.

[Music continues playing through Pablo's speech] PABLO As the sun sets behind the volcano's peak, young lovers, gaze into one another's eyes. Although that volcano is extinct, your love will never be extinguished. May your aloha's be meaningful, your poi always moist and your lei's fresh and fragrant.

JEROME and PABLO Legerlich!

PABLO We thank you.

[Music stops]

JEROME Man, this is the life.

PABLO I'll say! What do you think of these exotic tropical drinks?

JEROME Umbrella cocktails? Girlie stuff. Next time order me a beer. I am bushed! I'm turning in. Don't forget to register and get some rest. We have a date at the golf course tomorrow morning at four.

HERB: Pablo spots an attractive woman drinking alone at the bar. He comes to know her as Thankful Widgeons, a half Moslem half Epscopalian Morrocan, in town in support of her cousin's wedding, at which Pablo and Jerome were hired to play.

Following casual sex that later blossoms into a full-blown relationship, Thankful vanquishes Pablo from her room and he is forced to wake his partner, Jerome, Fortunately, that is the time their prospective employer is out on the field playing golf.

So let's leap forward an hour to three fifty eight AM; the Kapalua Country Club's golf course. Giant Klieg lights illuminate the acres of open green. Pablo meets Jerome at the eleventh hole and at the twelfth hole they meet the mysterious Mr. Triple X, Harold Aashimoto, owner of this and many other fabulous resorts, department stores and oil fields.

"Hello Mr. Gentlemen!"

They touch upon business, but mostly talk golf as they tread upon the rolling hills overlooking the ocean.

"What kind of a slumbering body is this Golf Course? It is a voluptuous one."

However, there is a guerilla in the forest, Harold's son Jack, who has organized an environmental war game complete with paint guns and missile launchers which he plays with his fiancée and his fellow gamesmen, his al-qaeda, whom he calls his Buchannons.

Jack hates golf, when their paths cross he greets his father with a sneer. "Another game of pussy golf on the friendly field, eh, Dad." This stings because Harold did his best to train Jack. It's like the Tiger Wood story, only with the opposite result.

Here is the song that accompanies this scene. It is called

5. GATED HOUSE AND GARDEN. Peter Dizozza, Charlie McKenna, Victor Varoli

The War games escalate into a standoff between the resort and the US military, who occupy 50% of the island.

Jack sends a missile straight up at a surveillance helicopter, it doubles back and lands on his own golf course, killing his father and fiancée, an awkward lie if ever one there was.

The guests who came to the resort to celebrate the marriage of Princess Becca to Jack Aashimoto, find themselves trapped, surrounded by the military. Pablo and Jerome's song, "Square One, Set the Prisoners Free," is small consolation to the guests. Thankful Widgeons, mourning the loss of her cousin, asks if they might play "Candle in the Wind," instead.

However, Jack, lurking in the shadows, hearing them play, recognizes a use for the dueling pianists. Their songs are memes that replicate in the brain, excluding all other thoughts. They will be his secret weapon, his meme makers.

He describes it as follows: A meme is a contagious infectious information pattern that replicates by parasitically infecting human minds and altering their behavior, causing them to propagate the pattern. Jerome and Pablo are not above taking what he says as a compliment.


Unlike the standoff at Waco, the U.S. military commanders realize they could just back off and wait for people to leave, deporting those who are not US citizens and arresting anyone suspected of being a member of Jack's army.

Jack sticks out like a sore thumb. He's quite tall and skinny, but he is too swift to be apprehended so he returns to his headquarters in the sands of Afghanastan. He is plagued daily by the transmissions he receives from his soldiers as they await trial at Guantanomo Bay, as they wonder, who am I, an unwilling detainee, an unlawful combatant, or just a prisoner of war.

Here to sing Jack's song is Tim Carosi.

DON'T LEAVE ME BEHIND Vocal: Tim Carosi, Charlie McKenna, Victor Varoli

The dueling pianists split up. Pablo naturalizes Thankful Widgeons by marrying her and brings her back to New York with him. Jerome goes back to San Francisco to join his father's business and marry his childhood sweetheart.

I HOPE THE DAY IS SOON - Rich girl in gold Mercedes… McKenna, Varoli.

After an interlude at the Braintree Nursery connecting the sons of a president and an oil family, we jump ten years later, to Manhattan, where Pablo is still plugging away at his music career, playing monthly sets at the SideWalk Café.

CUL DE SAC McKenna, Varoli

After he reflects on his relationship with Thankful, a golf ball comes crashing through one of the windows. Thankful recognizes its markings. It marks te return of Jack Aashimoto who takes the stage during Pablo's Set to sing…

LIVING IN FREEDOM (AGAIN), Carosi, McKenna, Varoli

One of the comments about my musicals in general and The Golf Wars in particular is that, by the end, no one had any idea what is going on. I will explain the conclusion of The Golf Wars as best as I can.

Enough pussy golf on the friendly field. Golf was meant to be a hiker's sport. Jack Aashimoto brings the game of golf to the isle of Manhattan.

Jerome didn't return to San Francisco. He joined Jack's Buchannons. Looking at all the skyscrapers, Jerome asks, "How are we supposed to play with all those dicks sticking out?"

The answer comes loud and clear, "Those dicks are your driving tees!"

NOW THAT YOU RUN FROM ME Dale Gordon!, Joe Bendik!, Victor Varoli, Charlie McKenna

With Jack is in town, Thankful takes up with him, performing the following madrigal which she sings as she sits playing at the virginal. Here she is, returning to the role after 4 years, Nora Naomi Simpson.


With Jerome back in town to play golf on the 18 hole guerilla golf course, the dueling pianists reunite to sing

FORESTS OF NEUROSES, Peter, Herb, Dale, Victor and Charlie!

By harboring the criminal they bring the wrath of the world upon them, in the form of The Inspector, hot on the tail of Jack Aashimoto.

Jack and the inspector confront each other, face to face.

Jack lies upon the slab, the cafeteria table.

The inspector begins stabbing him.

By stabbing Jack, the inspector releases his phlogistin, his secret weapon. He bleeds, destroying everything around him.

PEACEFUL REVELRY Peter, Monica, Victor, Charlie

YOU HURT ME Peter, Monica


CHIMNEY FLU/HEIGH HO, Dale, Joe, Victor, Charlie

I LOVE THE LAW, Charlie, Victor

ELEVEN? Peter Solo… the end.

Peter has already put together a

Golf Wars CD, produced by Major Matt Mason, USA,

complete with all of the music you will hear tonight; it's fiendishly catchy stuff, so if you find yourself humming along by the end of the night, do yourself a favor and purchase a copy from Peter directly at the more than reasonable price of

5$. (It's only available through Olive Juice Music,, and itunes…)

Speak with any of us after the show and we'll hook you up. And of course, during the entire show, feel free to purchase drinks for any of the performers. It makes us easier to get to know later.

Thank you, John Seroff. Charlie McKenna Nora Naomi Simpson Tim Carosi Joe Bendik Victor Varoli Herb Scher Dale Gordon Kurt Wolf?? Who else?

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